In other news, the Pope does indeed shit in the woods.
A delivery man was spotted knocking at the glass doors of the DC building, gazing into the empty foyer and coughing through a strange cloud of dust.
"I just decided to bite the bullet and focus on what I always wanted to focus on: me."
A line from Frances McDormand's Oscar acceptance speech will be used by Oprah to convince voters to simply follow whatever Meryl does.
"Until now I just assumed black people only watched Tyler Perry on DVD and women only cared about Grey's Anatomy."