“Too much water up north and not enough down south”

The federal government has given their own explanation as to the cause of Australia’s extreme weather this week, dismissing climate change as a possibility and instead saying there’s just too much water in some places and not enough water in others.

“It’s a very simple environmental principle,” Minister for the Environment Melissa Price said. “In some places it rains. In other places it doesn’t. This has been happening since the beginning of time.”

According to Minister Price, meteorologists refer to states of heavy downfall like Townsville is experiencing as “pissing it down” and droughts and bushfires like in Victoria and Tasmania as “bad luck hey”.

The government has dismissed the suggestion that climate change is responsible for the huge contrast in weather events.

“That’s faux-science fear-mongering,” the Prime Minister. “We’ve always had floods, fires and apocalyptic conditions. Aussie battlers are tough.”

They have announced measures to deal with the ongoing disasters, including using the bushfires to burn more coal. Then Minister Price says this will all blow over.

“Luckily water flows downhill so we expect the northern floodwaters to douse the southern bushfires in the next few days.”

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