After disturbing test results, a specialist proctologist has given an emergency appointment to the Australian government as it begins to lose control of its arsehole.

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had an appointment with the government’s GP this morning, even though the inflamed arsehole has been causing the whole body trouble for weeks.

“I tried to warn him to do something about this arsehole,” Attorney General and left leaning testicle George Brandis said from the waiting room. “But you know him, always waiting until it’s too late.”

The latest tests of the government’s health show a Newspoll reading of 55-45, which by many experts is seen as terminal.

The GP showed shock at the overall health of the government, particularly its most noisy parts like the arsehole (medically referred to as duttonus major). He referred the PM and cabinet to a licensed proctologist for immediate treatment.

The sphincter in question has been spewing excrement about asylum seekers protected under international law and gay human rights.

“This arsehole has covered the entire country with shit,” a UN appointed proctologist has said in a report. “And it has been affecting the entire body. In my opinion this is pathological and needs immediate elective surgery.”

It is understood that the Australian government has been due for a checkup for a while, with the last in 2015 only resulting in a complete facelift while not changing anything else.

The heart of the government has been weak for decades.