After getting headbutted, Tony Abbott vows to protect the traditional definition of violence

“In my day we never would have been attacked for saying homophobic things.”

Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott says he is shocked by the slippery slope of street violence in Australia after he was headbutted on the street of Hobart yesterday by a marriage equality campaigner.

Mr Abbott, a staunch believer in heterosexual marriage and prominent voice in the No Yuck Gays Are Gross campaign, held a press conference this morning.

“In my day we never would have been attacked for saying homophobic things.”

“Now, all you need to do is believe gay folk will be tortured for eternity in hell and all of a sudden people are in uproar. I just don’t understand it.”

“I just hope that one day we can have another Prime Minister who believes in the traditional definition of street violence.”

“Now, all you need to do is believe gay folk will be tortured for eternity in hell and all of a sudden people are in uproar. I just don’t understand it.”

Mr Abbott went on to say he will be actively campaigning to ensure street attacks remain as the time immemorial tradition of rumbles and switch blades between ethnic minorities.

“Look at West Side Story. Those song and dance and fight scenes are classic. And there’s nothing gay about it either.”

In the next few weeks Australians will vote via postal survey whether same sex couples should be allowed to marry. Abbott argues they already can marry, just not each other.

The rest of Australia has reacted to the news of the headbutt by announcing that you know, Tasmania is alright and can join us on the mainland now.

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