The race that stops a nation has a history of stopping horses’ hearts.

Follow this definitive guide to make the most of your bet and win big after these fantastic beasts are pushed to the point of exhaustion and death.

1. Hartnell

   This year’s Melbourne Cup favourite to win has been one of the most successful horses of the season, so many think that this race might be the one to finally push Hartnell to inevitable injury and death. A favourite can’t be a favourite forever, and with any luck jockey Damian Lane will give it his all only to take it all from Hartnell after the race.

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2. Almandin

   The reining (get it?) champ from last year’s race has a lot to live up to this year as it is rare for a horse to win more than one Melbourne Cup as they are usually euthanised after just one championship race. Credit must go to Almandin’s trainer and jockey though that their strategy of winning last year and killing the horse this year might just pay off.

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3. Humidor

   Humidor might just be your ticket if you want to pick a winner of the race, but his odds for dying afterwards are quite slim unfortunately. He almost outperformed legendary race horse Winx last week which means it is likely that he is just too strong and healthy to get injured or spooked enough to get killed.

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4. Tiberian

   French horse Tiberian has performed really well on the European circuit, winning many times but unable to go that bit further and get killed after any significant race. This brings him to Australia’s legendary derby where with any luck this European outsider can finally find peace after a life of whipping and torture on racetracks the world over.

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5. Who Shot Thebarman

   *SCRATCHED*
   A couple of short days before the big race trainer Chris Waller was forced to scratch Who Shot Thebarman due to an elevated temperature. He said in a press release that “the welfare of the horse comes first” which gives us a clue that if Who Shot Thebarman was to run it’s unlikely that he would be put down anyway as his trainer cares too much. Unfortunately we might never get to see who shoots Who Shot Thebarman.

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6. Bondi Beach

   Having run the Melbourne Cup before with disappointing results, it is unlikely that Bondi Beach will perform any better this year, which ups his odds of getting killed after the race significantly. In a final insult to the horse’s spirits, he was named Bondi Beach despite being from Ireland and never having felt the cool sand of any beach in his life before he will be euthanised in the only muddy gravel he has ever known. A sure fire favourite!

   There you have it. Happy betting and enjoy the abuse (interrupted by a few minutes of racing).